Thursday, 25 April 2002
No writing. But, I have been thinking about writing, so that's something.
I've been glum lately. Not depressed. Not even sad, really. Just not actively happy about life.
I'm not sure why. I don't think it's any one thing. Just life in general is failing to delight me. At my day job I'm doing work that's tedious and not challenging, but since it's dull I'm procrastinating about things so I'm not being particularly successful. (Don't tell my boss.) I've been unfocused about my writing lately--starting things, but not finishing them; finishing things, but not liking them; finishing and liking things, but not selling them. The weather, though not actively bad, has not been conducive to getting out and doing things outdoors.
Partly I think it's just been too long since I took a break and did just what I wanted. After Clarion I had less than no vacation time, so I couldn't take any more time off. But now I've built up a reasonable vacation balance again. I could take some time off (I've got various things planned this summer). But I'm in such a mood that I can't really think of anything that I especially want to do--anything that excites me enough to want to burn some vacation time and put the effort into making it happen.
It's not that there's nothing I want to do. It's just that the passive activities, like reading a book or watching a video seem like so much less trouble than the more active things that I know are more likely to make me feel better.
Sigh. This is what you get when I start feeling bad about not updating enough. I consciously never committed myself to keeping this journal on any kind of a schedule. I've always just updated when I had something to say. Feeling like I "ought to post" something leads to entries like these. I'll try not to do it in the future.
I came upon the journal of L. Blunt Jackson, who will be going to Clarion West this year. He's the only Clarion journaler I know of so far for 2002. What a fascinating journal!
I've actually feeling more cheerful now than a few hours ago when I wrote all the depressing stuff above. I have been thinking about writing, and am getting excited about a couple of the things I've got in-progress. I think a better description than "feeling glum" would have been to say that I didn't feel a sense of excitement about my own life. It was a transitory thing. I'm excited again.